Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Lies

Well hello there.
I have had so many fun, crazy, weird, exciting, and just silly things going through my head lately, it's good to be writing some of it out. I guess some forms of insomnia have their payoff!

We had the privilege of hosting a new church planter in our home the past few days...Ben from City Church in Fort Worth, TX. It's always so fun to hear the questions that newcomers ask...and even more fun to realize that you're getting to the point that you actually some answers. Real answers. Not the kind where you realize, halfway through your response, that you really have no idea what you're talking about. Real answers because you've got real experiences and real history.

Most of Ben's time was spent with Jonathan and other church planting minded men. He came to our city group leaders' meeting, attended staff meeting, had a brainstorming lunch, etc. Jonathan and I never really got nor took the time to do so much research, and I really admire Ben for being so information oriented!

Jonathan was the focus of the most of the questions, but last night I fielded a few under the heading: "What are some ways that I can prepare myself to support my wife as we prepare to plant this church?"

Oh my, I had no idea he planned on staying with us long enough to get the full answer to this question!!! wink. tear. wink.

What a loaded question, Ben!!!

As I mentioned before, I have been preparing to give a talk at the Acts 29 Bootcamp in Houston in a few weeks....the focus of the week is "endurance", so the answers to this question have been all over my head and heart for some time. But first - I'm wondering what YOU would say. How would YOU answer this question? I am certainly not the only Pastor's wife who might have enjoyed a little more encouragement in the early days....so how can you help our Ben out? (I'll give you a footnote in the talk in Houston!)

For me....although, yes, I did ramble quite a bit....I camped out on LIES.
I have only begun to realize that so much of my heartache, disappointment, confusion, anger, frustration, and so forth stemmed from LIES that I was believing or atleast being intrigued by.

I don't know about you, but I don't think I've ever had this much trouble discerning the truth from a lie before. As I look back, I was being literally bombarded by lies and half-truths moment by moment.
* You're not ready for this.
* You're not good enough for this role.
* You're not what everyone in your church wants you to be.
* You're husband wishes he had chosen someone else.
* You're a phony.
* You're alone.
* It will never get better.

blah blah blah blah blah.

This is still a pretty new realization to me - so in an effort to really grasp ahold of the lessons I have to learn, I think I'll start writing out a bit of a series...."The Lies that Pastor's Wives are Told". Please feel free to add your own - I've got my experience and you've got yours - I think together we can fight harder!

For now, Ben had to settle with this answer:

"Please be aware - very aware - that your wife is under attack like she has never before experienced. She won't even know it for a long time. Please pursue your wife - be on the lookout for ways that she is beaten down and discouraged...Pray for her as a warrior fighting an invisible opponent. Encourage her often. Compliment her. Speak the truth to her."

amen?
..........

5 comments:

  1. Amen. Though we're still in the intern stages of our church planting adventure, I feel I'm partly naive about what we (and I) will encounter as the church begins to grow. (Or rather, as the church, simply, begins.) Would you say too that the time before a church plant is a great time to solidify your theology and put yourself under wiser, more mature women in the Lord? It seems now is a great time to work seriously on any marriage issues, theology issues, pride issues...because moving into a new city means new friends and a period (who knows how long) where I won't much be able to confide in anyone, besides my husband, of course. And in response to your lies list... Definitely, a huge one is *you're alone*. But we don't have to be! For Ben, may he pray that his wife be surrounded by godly, supportive women. And blessings to them as they plant a new church!

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  2. Great post, and I want to take more time later to really think through your questions. I started the book, Me, Myself, and Lies this summer with a friend (Beth Moore's blog readers are doing it on-line). This study has revealed so much to me about the lies I have believed and how Satan has had his hand on me, especially with aspects of churchplanting. At the moment, I can't be concise enough to share all that I'm learning, but when I can be short and sweet, I'll write more!

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  3. I never realized how hard it would be to build friendships as a pastors wife. I think that has been the hardest realization for me as a PW...not to mention, the relationships I have built within the church seem to come with so many walls. Its unfortunate. I feel like I haven't had a deep connection/ true friendship with a woman since high school!

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  4. Here are a few lies I've believed that God has recently uncovered in my life:
    -Your husband was meant to be a "Paul" and should be doing this as a single. You hold him back from his calling.
    -You're not smart enough. You didn't go to seminary or know all of the theological debates.
    -You can't trust anyone. They will hurt you.
    -If you don't do it, no one will.
    -If someone else does it, they won't do it as well as you, so you should just do it yourself.
    -Your house has to look perfect (at least until they get to know you.)

    I know these sound so depressing. And I'm not really a depressing person. But, these lies are really what I have been whispering to myself for several years. It's so wrong. And my husband has done what he can to speak truth to me. But besides him, I haven't really had another "encourager" to speak truth to me when I've needed it.

    I envy those churchplanters who have a strong support system or parent churches who give that. We are trying to create it here, but it didn't exist for us when we started and needed it the most. My husband and I have very different personalities and he got through that time very easily. He was so driven by his calling that it got him through the tough, dry times. It wasn't enough for me though and I really suffered. That impacted our marriage, our relationships, and our seed of a church. God's grace is good though and we (barely) survived it and now are thriving and happy.

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  5. Robie - I have been following your blog since you started it, and I just wanted to let you know that I'm so encouraged by your authenticity (and everyone too who comments).

    My husband is in seminary in Dallas. We have two more years to go. He wants to plant a church. Without writing the longest comment in history - church planting basically scares the poo out of me. So, I love reading your thoughts and insights and wisdom.

    I don't know anyone else who's husband wants to plant a church (even at seminary - which is crazy to me), so I glean wisdom from wiser women via blogs!

    Mandy - I also really relate to what you said - about you and your husband having different personalities and his drive getting him through the rough times. We've already experienced that in various ways in our marriage and are currently in counseling - which I'm so thankful we're doing before planting a church!

    Thank you ladies for being real and for sharing your hearts!

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