Self Pity

Almost 2 years ago, we started Austin City Life in the kitchen of our home in Austin, TX. That first night, we had 8 people. Six of those were Dodsons - yeah, creepy, right!?! Thank goodness for Richard Tinsley and Amy Scott...without those two we would definitely have seemed like a cult! That night, what we had decided to embark on seemed so daunting and so impossible. I remember thinking as I cooked the meal for us that if we counted feet instead of heads, we'd double in size. So, that first night - we had 16. 16 feet.

Since that night, by the grace of the Lord, we have continued to increase in number. So much so, we've outgrown our kitchen, then our living room, then the Austin Bapstist Association offices, then the Hideout Coffee shop. We have now occupied the Parish Room on 6th street. Wow, who'd of thought!

So many neat things have happened since that first summer...I wish those neat things were in the forefront of my mind. There truly have been too many to count. Instead, I am spending a great deal of my time thinking about the hardships of these past two years. Just as the blessings have been numerous, so too have the heartaches. In two years' time, I've experienced heartache, betrayal, isolation, loneliness, helplessness, strife, fear, anger, confusion...I'll stop there. These days of church planting truly have been lined with pain. Some of the pain has come about innocently, some has come about as a result of my own sin and imperfections, and some has come about from other people...the really painful times have come from a combo of my own sin and from the people I have trusted most.

Sometime during these past two years, as friendships have changed or disappeared, as my life has taken on a new form that overwhelms me, and as my children continue to demand love that I don't fully know I have - I would LOVE to tell you that I have fallen into the arms of my Saviour. I would LOVE to impress you with the ways I've found comfort from the God of All Comfort, whose yoke is easy and whose burden is light. Unfortunately, I can't.

Somehow, I decided instead to find a new best friend....embarrassingly, that best friend's name is Self Pity. In my loneliness, anger, fear, frustration, and fatique, Self-Pity has been there for me every step of the way. I have been reminded from this "friend" of how much better life should be. How much happier I should be. How much more I deserve for all my labors.

Today we observed communion with our church. Jonathan asks me to sit with him on the front row, so I'm able to watch the whole thing. My head is bowed down, though, such that all I can see are feet. I see no one's head, only their feet. Today, I lost count at 200 feet. That's 184 more feet than we had that first night. That's 184 new feet who are now able to carry the good news of Jesus Christ to their city, their coworkers, their families. That's 92 people whose feet may not be carrying any good news if it weren't for this church.

So, I have to ask myself...who is to be pitied? What do I have to be pitied for? With the love and direction of my husband, I have been given the amazing privilege of witnessing strangers find the peace of Christ. These strangers become friends as they also become brothers and sisters in the faith. Family. I know that it will continue to be a family that bruises and hurts...but am confident that we will also become a family that loves and heals. No pity needed. Just Grace for our weary feet.

Will you pray for me as I ask the Lord to renew my eyes and my heart?