Tears for Fears

Well, lucky me just returned from a most wonderful 3-day trip to Vail, Colorado...compliments of Acts29. Words just can't do justice to how wonderful this trip was for both Jonathan and me. Not only did we get the opportunity to escape to a gorgeous location (Vail!! did you hear me correctly?? VAIL, COLORADO!!!), but we were also surrounded by 124 other church planting couples. This fact alone is a dream-come-true for a planter's wife - amen???

This was our second Acts29 Pastors' retreat. My how I've grown since the last one. I think I'll save some of that for another post. For now, I'd love to share one simple but very meaningful observation.

So, there are a LOT of women in this group. Couples came from all over the country so you can imagine how distinct each of is from one another - our accents alone can tell quite a diverse story! There are other differences, too, such as how much makeup we wear, how granola we are, how many children we have (one couple was pregnant with their 10th!!!), how we interact with our husbands, and how we like to spend our free time. It's amazingly beautiful how each one of us still stands out as quite unique within this network. I love it!!!

Even with all these differences, there is one thing we all have in common. Can you guess it? I'll give you a moment.....

TEARS

I'm actually welling up with my own tears as I write this, so, yes, it's true. We are all able to cry at the drop of a hat. Some typical conversations I had went like this:

* "How are you?"......TEARS
* "How long have you been planting?" ....... TEARS
* "How's your marriage?" .........TEARS
* "How do you like being a pastor's wife?".......LOTS OF TEARS

and on and on and on.

Tears of Fear
Tears of heartache
Tears of regret
Tears of confusion
Tears of loneliness
and for some even Tears of joy!

"When words fail, tears fall"

That's a quote by Charles Swindoll, and I found it to be so true for each woman that I met and spoke with this week. As we would stand in a hallway and just barely begin to get to know each other, our eyes would fill with tears. Rarely did we address those tears with one another because we just didn't need to. We understood. I think even more than that, we appreciated that the other woman standing across from us didn't need to ask - we were standing in a room full of people who understood. Even now, though we've all gone back to our own cities - I left knowing that somewhere in the world are 124 other women living life as I am. Often with tears, yet always with Christ our redeemer.

While thinking about these tears - I have been reminded of Psalm 56. I won't post the Psalm, but I would surely recommend reading it and, dare I say it, memorizing it. Once you've read it, you'll understand! I think that maybe, just maybe, our Lord does have a bottle for each of our tears....won't it be neat if each bottle looks different for each of us??? I wonder what mine looks like? I hope it has rhinestones on it!

Self Pity

Almost 2 years ago, we started Austin City Life in the kitchen of our home in Austin, TX. That first night, we had 8 people. Six of those were Dodsons - yeah, creepy, right!?! Thank goodness for Richard Tinsley and Amy Scott...without those two we would definitely have seemed like a cult! That night, what we had decided to embark on seemed so daunting and so impossible. I remember thinking as I cooked the meal for us that if we counted feet instead of heads, we'd double in size. So, that first night - we had 16. 16 feet.

Since that night, by the grace of the Lord, we have continued to increase in number. So much so, we've outgrown our kitchen, then our living room, then the Austin Bapstist Association offices, then the Hideout Coffee shop. We have now occupied the Parish Room on 6th street. Wow, who'd of thought!

So many neat things have happened since that first summer...I wish those neat things were in the forefront of my mind. There truly have been too many to count. Instead, I am spending a great deal of my time thinking about the hardships of these past two years. Just as the blessings have been numerous, so too have the heartaches. In two years' time, I've experienced heartache, betrayal, isolation, loneliness, helplessness, strife, fear, anger, confusion...I'll stop there. These days of church planting truly have been lined with pain. Some of the pain has come about innocently, some has come about as a result of my own sin and imperfections, and some has come about from other people...the really painful times have come from a combo of my own sin and from the people I have trusted most.

Sometime during these past two years, as friendships have changed or disappeared, as my life has taken on a new form that overwhelms me, and as my children continue to demand love that I don't fully know I have - I would LOVE to tell you that I have fallen into the arms of my Saviour. I would LOVE to impress you with the ways I've found comfort from the God of All Comfort, whose yoke is easy and whose burden is light. Unfortunately, I can't.

Somehow, I decided instead to find a new best friend....embarrassingly, that best friend's name is Self Pity. In my loneliness, anger, fear, frustration, and fatique, Self-Pity has been there for me every step of the way. I have been reminded from this "friend" of how much better life should be. How much happier I should be. How much more I deserve for all my labors.

Today we observed communion with our church. Jonathan asks me to sit with him on the front row, so I'm able to watch the whole thing. My head is bowed down, though, such that all I can see are feet. I see no one's head, only their feet. Today, I lost count at 200 feet. That's 184 more feet than we had that first night. That's 184 new feet who are now able to carry the good news of Jesus Christ to their city, their coworkers, their families. That's 92 people whose feet may not be carrying any good news if it weren't for this church.

So, I have to ask myself...who is to be pitied? What do I have to be pitied for? With the love and direction of my husband, I have been given the amazing privilege of witnessing strangers find the peace of Christ. These strangers become friends as they also become brothers and sisters in the faith. Family. I know that it will continue to be a family that bruises and hurts...but am confident that we will also become a family that loves and heals. No pity needed. Just Grace for our weary feet.

Will you pray for me as I ask the Lord to renew my eyes and my heart?

First an iPhone...

Now a BLOG! What is happening to me??? I have a strange feeling that now I'm gonna pop up pregnant too! (This is just a joke and is in no way intended to be a hint...)

So, I've been thinking a long time about blogging...my husband has been prodding me for years to do this. He seems to think that it might be therapeutic for me to type out my thoughts, fears, joy and frustrations of this crazy life we live.

I've tried to think of what I have to say...what I SHOULD say about myself... a few things pop up, most of them I've stolen from other sources and given them to myself as an identity. Things such as:

"loving and devoted mother"
"amazing housewife"
"exemplary wife and parent"
"ridiculously trustworthy friend"
"oh-my-she-can-cook-a-steak chef"

Truth be told, none of these really fit me. I have a shirt that reads: "wife. mom. marathoner." While I do or have done all three, it's not really the REAL me. It doesn't reveal the tension that I live with daily in my own heart between what I think, what I feel, what I want to do, and what I actually do.

There's really only one phrase that pretty much sums it all up in one concise statement....

I am a Pastor's Wife.

There. I said it. It's true. That sentence packs way more of a punch that anyone can even imagine...unless, of course, you're one too. Then you know.

So, I have decided to heed my husband's advice and dive in.
I think it will be fun for me to type out this Crazy Life of a Pastor's Wife.
(I'll throw in a few pictures, too, so long as I feel they present the more perfect side of me and my life and my kids....)

Robie